How to say “no” and stop doing things out of obligation
photo by Jae Park
How often do you do things you don’t want to do out of a sense of obligation?
Or from fear of what someone might think if you say no?
How often do you say yes when you really want to say no?
Did you know that you can say no to the following requests (and many more)…?
babysitting,
cat-sitting,
plant-sitting,
contributing to a co-worker’s walk-, run-, or bike-a-thon or their walk-run-bike-a-thon, and...
attending your family’s Sunday evening Zoom call, where you and 9 other extended family members basically just sit and watch your mom and Aunt Mary talk to each other for an hour. 🤪
So...
What if you said “no, thank you” to the next thing you didn’t want to do?
What would happen?
What are you afraid will happen?
Are you afraid people will think you’re selfish…? Call you a bitch…? A jerk…?
What?
Why is any of that so bad?
Seriously, I’m asking.
What is the worst thing about having someone think a less-than-perfect thought about you?
.
.
.
Giving you time to think.
.
Here’s the truth:
When we do things we don’t want to do in order for someone to NOT get mad at us or for them to like us, we’re “people-pleasing.”
And you know what “people-pleasing” is, right?
It’s lying!
Lying (a.k.a. not telling the truth, a.k.a. lying) in order for someone to like us, to continue to like us, or to not be mad at us.
Don’t be a liar.
Be honest.
Tell it like it is.
I’m not saying you have to be all:
“Oh God, no — I can’t possibly babysit your kids…. Your son’s a little a-hole!”
But you can say:
“I’d love to help you out, but babysitting’s really not my thing.”
You may find that you CAN say no AND the world doesn’t end.
Let’s practice together now:
“Sorry, I can’t make it.”
“I can’t make it.”
“Thanks for the invite. That’s not really my thing.”
“Thanks for thinking of me, but I don’t have the bandwidth to take on anything else right now.”
“I have other priorities right now. I hope you find someone who can help you out.”
We can’t control how other people think about us.
But we can control what we do and how WE think about us. Maybe it’s really YOU who thinks you’re a jerk when you say no.
Think on that.
Why is it important to you to always say yes when someone asks something of you?
And if they get mad or think less of you, well… at the risk of sounding like your mom when you were fighting with your best friend in junior high… well, that says a whole lot more about THEM than it does about YOU.
It’s going to be difficult and awkward at first, especially if you’re a lifelong yes-er!
Get comfortable with the awkwardness, until saying no is no longer awkward for you.
For the beginners:
The no and switch
This softer “no” will help you stick your toe in the waters of no—
Say no, while also offering an alternative that works for you:
“I can’t do Thursday night drinks. How about Sunday brunch?”
“I can’t do Thursday night drinks, but I miss you—Can we hop on the phone this weekend?”
“I’m a terrible babysitter—I’d give them alcohol to put them to sleep. I’d love to see them though. How about we all meet in the park this weekend?”
“I hate cats, but if you ever get a dog, I’m your girl!”
“I hate large Zoom meetings, can we do a one-on-one Zoom next week?”
Be true to you, your wants, and your needs.
What do you want?
How do you want to spend your time?
What do you want to let go of?
* * *
Want help with this kinda stuff?
Life coaching might be right for you. Find out!
Click here to book a free, no obligation 40-minute call with me.
This is your chance to ask me anything and find out how I can help you organize your home, time, and mind, and design a life you love.