Why we want others to be different
photo by Averie Woodard
“If you would just change, that would be great. Thanks!”
Whether it’s our spouse, our clients, our boss, or a stranger, we all have times when we want the people around us to be different than they are.
Allow me to demonstrate:
I want my husband to always remember which of my clothes go in the the dryer and which need to be hung dry.*
I want my clients to do the work they promised themselves they’d do so they can see the amazing results on the other side.
And, I want the careless guy in the grocery store who was reaching over my husband’s head for a jar of pickles last week...to be wearing a damn mask!
Here’s the thing—
The only reason we want other people to change, is so that we can feel something different.
We think if they change, then we will feel better
For instance:
If my husband knows the laundry, I get to relax and not worry he’s going to ruin my favorite blouse.
If my clients do the work and get the results they want, I get to feel like I’m a great coach.
And, if the careless stranger guy wears a mask and stays 6 feet away from my husband, I get to feel safe.
See where I’m going here...?
Anytime we want to change someone, it’s because we think their changing will make us feel better somehow.
Think of an instance where you wish someone in your life were different.
Maybe you wish your partner or spouse would do more around the house. You’re thinking, “I shouldn’t have to do everything!”
Thinking this leads you to feel frustration, overwhelm, or resentment.
So you think that if they were different and actually did more around the house and wanted to help out more... you would feel respected and supported.
And here’s the mind-blow:
It’s not your spouse, your clients, or the stranger doing a certain thing that makes you feel frustrated or bad. It’s actually the thought you choose to think when they do that thing that creates the feeling in you.
Stop looking to other people to make you feel a certain way.
Create your own feelings.
Choose how you want to feel with better, more productive, grateful thoughts.
It takes practice, but once you realize this — WHY you’re feeling bad, mad, sad, stressed, anxious, worried, whatever — hint: It’s your thoughts — you can start to live consciously and stop needing other people to change in order for you to feel better.
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*I know, sounds ungrateful—my man does laundry after all. He’s the best!
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